I’m sad to report that Mark Reale, founding guitarist of the legendary metal band RIOT, died yesterday from Crohn’s Disease complications.
Mood music:
Here’s the news from Blabbermouth, a heavy metal news site:
Reale died yesterday (Wednesday, January 25) in a San Antonio hospital due to complications of Crohn’s disease — an ailment he had battled for most of his life. He was 56 years old.
Reale had reportedly been in a coma for the past two weeks after suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage on January 11.
Mark is survived by his father, Anthony Reale, and was preceded in death by his mother, Frances Reale.
Mark spent most of his life working and performing while enduring almost constant pain and the side effects of treatment for Crohn’s disease. He was in Texas bravely attempting to practice for the shows, but was felled by a severe onset of Crohn’s symptoms, leaving him in the Intensive Care Unit at an undisclosed facility. Mark was struggling with these symptoms throughout the production of RIOT‘s new album, “Immortal Soul”, and guitarist Mike Flyntz recorded a major portion of the guitars on the LP with Mark‘s creative direction while Reale was unable to perform.
The truth is, you never know when you’re time is up. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about my own mortality but not anymore. The more time you spend doing that, the more life you waste.
I’d rather go out knowing I did my absolute best as a dad, husband and writer than sitting back at age 95 wondering what the hell happened to my life.
I’m pissed off about an article in Psychology Today that suggests smarter people consume more alcohol. As someone who’s sober, the article is kind of insulting. After all, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person.
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Here’s a snippet from the article by Satoshi Kanazawa:
Drinking alcohol is evolutionarily novel, so the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent people drink more alcohol than less intelligent people.
Human consumption of alcohol, however, was unintentional, accidental, and haphazard until about 10,000 years ago. The intentional fermentation of fruits and grain to yield ethanol arose only recently in human history. The production of beer, which relies on a large amount of grain, and that of wine, which similarly requires a large amount of grapes, could not have taken place before the advent of agriculture around 8,000 BC and the consequent agricultural surplus. Archeological evidence dates the production of beer and wine to Mesopotamia at about 6,000 BC. The origin of distilled spirits is far more recent, and is traced to Middle East or China at about 700 AD. The word alcohol – al kohl – is Arabic in origin, like many other words that begin with “al,” like algebra, algorithm, alchemy, and Al Gore.
His hypothesis pisses me off because there are days when I hate being sober. I’d give anything for a few drops of wine, for that mellow feeling I get after a couple glasses.
It’s also been drilled into my head that addiction isn’t about being smart or stupid. The perfect description comes from this “West Wing” episode where Leo, the chief of staff, tries to explain what alcohol does to him:
As Leo says, his brain works differently. It has nothing to do with being smart or stupid.
Nevertheless, there are days where my addictions make me feel supremely stupid. It has certainly compelled me to do stupid things in the past.
To be fair, the article doesn’t really say that only smart people drink a lot. Reading it just pisses me off because I can’t drink anymore.
I can’t eat flour or sugar anymore. Lots of smart people love those two ingredients.
I can’t smoke anymore. Lots of smart people smoke.
I won’t lie: I used to think I looked very smart and sophisticated with a cigar hanging from my lips.
Some would call that stupid. Whatever.
The bottom line is that I can’t drink or do the other things anymore. It’s not because I lack intelligence. It’s because that intelligence is powerless against the mental impulse that screams out for a good feeling; for a break.
Mine is a particularly strange tale of addiction. My biggest problem was compulsive binge eating. My drinking accelerated after I put the flour and sugar down because I needed a crutch. Then I realized I needed the wine a little too much, so I put that down and started on the cigars for a crutch.
Now I don’t smoke anymore, and there are days where I struggle to find a good release. Yoga doesn’t do it for me. As Erin points out, yoga could do it for me, but I’m prejudiced against it. Fair enough.
Moderation doesn’t exist in my world. It’s all or nothing.
That doesn’t make me dumb. But it might mean I’m a victim of dumb luck.
We all go through it: Something upsets us so much that we go into a fog; unable to function when we’re still required to do so. It rises up like a brick wall.
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We smash into it a few too many times and go through the rest of the day dazed and confused. It’s a natural reaction to life’s more stressful and traumatic moments.
If a loved one is sick or dead, or you get into a huge fight with your spouse, or you just discover you’ve been robbed, the feeling hits you.
But what do you do when that feeling clings to you every day like a wet, filthy rag?
Monday was one of those days; let’s just say it was driven by guilt.
But here’s the difference between now and the old days:
It didn’t incapacitate me and leave me lying half dead on the couch like it used to. I didn’t check out of the hotel of reality. I may have wanted to, but I didn’t.
I felt every bad feeling and it did stick in my brain all day like a splinter. But somehow, I was able to make it through the day. I got my work done, I got chores done and I was even able to focus on the not-always-easy task of helping Duncan do his homework.
I can point to a lot of things that make the difference today:
–Medication to control my OCD, ADD and the depression that comes with it;
–An eating program devoid of flour and sugar. When I’m not sinking under the weight of a food binge, my thinking is clearer.
I don’t think it’s possible to avoid the fog altogether. Life is too unpredictable and dramatic for that. Sometimes the stresses get the better of you and you lose sight of everything around you. It’s a very shitty place to be.
But there is a positive in this: If you never felt the fog, it would mean you didn’t care about anything or anyone.
You would see clearly and keep walking, but the destination would always be some selfish pursuit.
Some of this may sound a bit hyperbolic. I use some fancy language along the way to explain it.
My friend Linda White nominated this blog for a Versatile Blogger award. I’m honored. I’ve been called asshole, mentally disturbed, jerk and loudmouth. Versatile is a new one.
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Whenever someone honors me, I like to pay it forward, so let’s play along.
Rules of the Versatile Blogger award…
RULE #1: List 7 Random Facts About Yourself:
1. I recently learned that there’s more caffeine in lighter coffee roasts than the darker stuff I prefer. To get both the strong kick and taste, I now brew a mix of light and dark. That’s what I call balance.
2. I’m probably the only person on Earth who likes the new Van Halen song. That either means I’m cooler than everyone else or my musical tastes have deteriorated.
3. I recently learned that I have ADD as well as OCD. That explains why I’m having so much trouble writing this post.
4. I always work with my feet up on the desk. It makes me look lazy, but it’s really to keep from fidgeting.
5. I’ve only recently gotten over the fact that I had to quit smoking. I quit in August.
7. My passion for history has taken a darker turn of late. I usually like to visit monuments to the giants in D.C. Lately, however, I favor places where horrendous crimes have happened. I think it’s a subconscious effort to take the sting out of things that used to scare me.
RULE #2: Nominate 15 Other Blogs.
1. http://thewritingresource.net/ This is the blog of my awesome wife Erin. It’s a must-read for anyone who is serious about learning to write well. The blog is chock full of language resources and grammar tips. By the way, Erin edits much of what appears in my blog.
2. http://crudmykidssay.wordpress.com/ Linda has a brilliant wit that bobbles freely between sunny and dark. I love this blog ’cause I know and love her kids, and she really captures their personalities in the writing.
3. http://notnowhoneymommyhastoblog.com/ A new one by another mom with a razor-sharp wit and the talent to capture it in a blog. The pictures of her dog’s hapless expression while wearing a variety of undignified costumes is reason alone to follow her.
4. http://caffeineandcookies.com/ My old Rockit Records colleague Christian Campagnia has traveled cross country at least five times in the last year (OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but only slight) and I love the somewhat warped picture he presents of the people he meets. His honesty about himself is also refreshing.
6. http://ocdbloggergirl.wordpress.com/ is written by Lisa Burleson. Like me, she writes in an attempt to sort out the daily challenges of life with OCD. Her observations are raw and unflinching, and reading about her challenges makes you realize how so alike we all are. When you realize you’re not alone, life’s big challenges become less insurmountable.
7. http://emergentchaos.com/ is a group blog on security, privacy, liberty, and economics. It’s written by Adam Shostack, Chris Walsh, Arthur and Mordaxus.
8. http://howtoraiseadysfunctionalfamilyin10days.wordpress.com/ is written by my old friend Nancy Casey. She takes the everyday, often serious challenges of family life and puts a humorous spin on it. I introduced her to her husband Chris, so her family challenges are sort of my fault. But they have great kids, so it’s a fault I’m happy to have.
9. http://pennywrites.wordpress.com/ You will never know what courage is until you read about Penny Richards’ journey through hell. She has fought breast cancer and is sharing her journey to deal with the death of her only child. I suspect her daughter is looking down from Heaven at her mom and feeling very proud.
10. http://reassembler.wordpress.com/ This is from my boss, Derek Slater. He writes about food, chess and, of course, a little security. Our big boss John Gallant captures the essence of this blog perfectly when he says of Derek, “You have departed from reality.”
11. http://blog.uncommonsensesecurity.com/ Another security blog, written by my old friend Jack Daniel. Jack has a special gift for articulating the more ridiculous side of our industry.
12. http://thesweetestreasons.typepad.com/the_sweetest_reasons/ I used to work with Olivia Gatti, a gifted photographer who captures the raw beauty of family life each day. I’ve never met her husband and daughters, but in reading this blog I feel like I know them very well.
13. http://run-dmz.blogspot.com/ Few people can write like by former boss, Anne Saita. There’s a lot about running in this one, but it’s about so much more than that.
15. http://idiosyncratic-routine.com/ is written by Amber Baldet, a capital markets and investment banking technology consultant, science lover,
artist, gamer and digital rights and privacy advocate. All of these subjects shine through in her blog. That’s some serious diversity.
Guest column: An OCD sufferer finds that managing his demon is a lot like managing the dark side of The Force.
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A few months ago I told you about my friend and former co-worker Steve Repsys and how, as two undiagnosed OCD sufferers, our working relationship was often the stuff of comedy. What follows is Steve in his own words, explaining how helpful it can be to open up about the disorder and “give in to the dark side.”
***
“You don’t know the power of the dark side.” Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker
For those of us suffering from OCD, this mental condition is our “dark side.” Often times we ignore or minimize this “dark side” because we are so embarrassed by it. When I don’t acknowledge this part of me, I find myself running into problems, like Luke Skywalker in the cantina. But when you “embrace the dark side,” there is a subtle but noticeable change.
I learned this the other day when I shared with my co-worker Kate that I suffer from OCD. Kate is one of the nicest people I work with and is extremely approachable. Somehow in one of our recent conversations, I felt confident enough in our friendship to divulge this “bombshell.”
When I described what I’ve experienced over the last few months – anger, frustration and humiliation – that large part of me that I’ve often kept hidden from others grew a bit smaller. I was surprised how easy it was for me to talk about it. I was like C-3PO – you couldn’t get me to stop talking about it.
Conversing with Kate, she was attentive and asked questions so she could better comprehend what it is like to live with OCD.
It amazed me – like when Luke found out that Han wasn’t in it for the money – that she was so touched and flattered that I shared this important piece of personal information with her.
I don’t have to worry about her thinking of me any different. Instead, I gained her admiration because I had the courage to admit there is this “demon” inside of me that I can control.
Now I can add a new weapon – talking about it openly and freely to people I trust – to my arsenal of weapons to keep my OCD at bay (not Docking Bay 93).
As Ben told Luke when introducing him to the force, “You’ve taken your first step into a larger world.”
As I mentioned earlier, I’m taking Wellbutrin to combat a tougher-than-usual bout of winter depression. Here’s where I stand eight days in.
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I think I’m starting to feel it, though it’s hard to know for sure this soon. The nurse told me it could take several weeks before I’d feel the full effect, since Wellbutrin slowly accumulates. I have noticed a few things, though:
–I’m a little more focused than I’ve been in several weeks.
–I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog as much as I had been.
–I haven’t been feeling down like I was a week ago.
Whether it’s the Wellbutrin kicking in or not, I’m just glad to be feeling better.
Note: Four hours after writing the part you just read, I came down with vicious mood swings. As I write this, my skin doesn’t fit right, I’m itchy all over (yes, I showered today) and I’m agitated as hell. The good news is that I have gone through the same exact thing whenever my Prozac dose has been adjusted. It lasts a few hours, and then everything evens out. It’s usually the point I reach when the medication is about to kick in.
For those wondering what this experiment is all about, let’s review:
I started taking Wellbutrin because it’s supposed to shore up depleted brain chemistry that the Prozac isn’t designed to fix.
The Prozac increases the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps transmit messages from one nerve cell to another. In other words, it keeps traffic in the brain moving normally.
It has served me well, but this winter the blue moods have been tougher to shake. Enter the Wellbutrin, a drug used to treat major depression and seasonal affective disorder. It’s also used to help people quit smoking because it squashes cravings.
While the Prozac raises Serotonin levels, Wellbutrin shores up another neurotransmitter called Dopamine.
If this all sounds confusing, think of the brain as a car engine. To run properly, the engine needs the right amount of fluids, including brake fluid, transmission fluid and oil. Run low on any one of these and you got problems.
It’s amusing for me considering my efforts to kick some addictions in recent years. Despite my sobriety and abstinence, here I am, finding that there’s better living through chemistry after all.
My friend Mike Spinney made an interesting statement on Twitter: “If only we’d been as outspoken against the #PatriotAct as we are against #SOPA.”
Mood music:
I feel the same way, but the cause and effect is less of a mystery to me:
The Patriot Act passed at the height of our hysteria over 9-11. At the time, a lot of us thought we were seeing terrorists holding vials of smallpox and suitcase nukes at every street corner. We were so freaked out over the next potential attack that we gave government the keys to do anything it wanted if they would just keep us safe.
We get stupid when fear drives us. I can testify to that because back then I was one of the fear-laden souls who wanted the government to do whatever it took to prevent more attacks.
Fear made me refuse to get on a plane to Arizona to attend a cousin’s wedding a couple weeks after 9-11. When I finally had to get on a plane to Chicago for work in 2004, I was terrified.
Under the spell of fear, anxiety and depression, I was afraid of my own shadow. I chose staying indoors over living. I had a mental illness that was undiagnosed and out of control. But you didn’t have to have a mental illness to be in a stupor during that period of American history.
Of course, one person overcoming his demons isn’t the same as a nation undoing a bad law passed in a moment of national fear. Also, once you give any government emergency powers, it doesn’t like to give it back.
For me, given my own history, that’s probably one of the reasons I’m speaking out so loudly against SOPA and PIPA. I’m not willing to cower in the corner while Congress gives the government even more power to violate our freedom. Not again.
In fact, if we allow the current bills to become law as written, it will be worse than the circumstances that gave birth to the Patriot Act.
Back then, such a law was possible because people were in fear and wanted security.
If SOPA-PIPA passes, it will have been made possible because corporate money was more of an influence than common sense.
We need to keep the pressure on our congressmen and senators. We need to keep educating friends and family. And we need to remember that Congress, when left to its own devices, will do whatever they’re told by the fat cats who stock their campaign accounts with cash.
Make no mistake about it. The current versions of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA, pending in the House of Representatives) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA, pending in the Senate) would go far beyond clamping down on piracy. I was especially amused by how Chris Dodd, former Connecticut senator and current chairman and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), missed the irony of yesterday’s protests.
In a statement, he said:
“Only days after the White House and chief sponsors of the legislation responded to the major concern expressed by opponents and then called for all parties to work cooperatively together, some technology business interests are resorting to stunts that punish their users or turn them into their corporate pawns, rather than coming to the table to find solutions to a problem that all now seem to agree is very real and damaging. It is an irresponsible response and a disservice to people who rely on them for information and use their services. It is also an abuse of power given the freedoms these companies enjoy in the marketplace today.”
I ripped his statement apart yesterday on the CSO Salted Hash security blog. Among other things, I expressed my mix of amusement and disgust over his suggestion that these protests were the work of corporate greed:
Suggesting SOPA-PIPA opponents are trying to turn people into corporate pawns is very odd coming from you, Mr. Dodd, considering all the money you’ve accepted from big corporations over the course of your long political career. Don’t even get me started about all the money the MPAA gives to members of Congress to keep them in line with your agenda.
As one reader, Brian K, noted in the comments section of that post, “Dodd seems to be missing the terrible irony that people DO rely on these sites for vital information, and the legislation he’s supporting would DISRUPT those critical services. How this irony escapes him is almost unimaginable, outside of willful and deliberate malice.”
The biggest downer in all of this is that in the end, we do need a tougher law to go after online piracy. It is a huge problem. As a writer I can tell you few things are worse than watching some faceless thief online stealing your work. Piracy also hurts the bottom line of a lot of content makers, including the entertainment industry. I get that.
So I don’t get it, writers are sick of getting their material pirated, a bipartisan group creates a bill to force content aggregators to monitor copyright infringement, and liberals are all, err, against it? Someone sensible explain. And don’t tell me it’s because Wikipedia or Craigslist told you so.
Exactly! Come on people. If you make any kind of art or use art media how could you be against it? Everyone wants their damn cake and blah blah blah… you have to give up a few things to make things change.
I detected humor and sarcasm in that exchange (Traci will correct me if I’m wrong, for sure). But there’s also a lot of truth in what they say.
The problem, when all is said and done, is that the makers of these bills drafted something that goes way beyond a crackdown on piracy. It opens the door to tragic abuses of power, where the government could censor or block websites — and punish the owners with fines and jail time — every time someone posts a picture or piece of music in their blog. It would allow the government to punish people who express themselves in ways that big corporations find offensive.
It would create the kind of blackouts you saw yesterday, only it wouldn’t be a protest. It would be for real.
Trimming back these bills, so that they deal only with the intended purpose of stopping piracy, would satisfy me. It’s looking more likely that it’s going to turn out that way, as long as we keep up the pressure.
And now, I return to the regular theme of this blog.
