A Look In The Mirror

I’ve been dealing with a pretty sour mood in recent days. This post is my attempt to explain it all.

Mood music:

The other day, I wrote a post called “When the Truth is a Lie” and a lot of you commented that I’m too hard on myself. I appreciate that, but I don’t think I was being as open as I needed to be at the time.

I’ve realized a few things in recent days. One is that I’m not the bucket of honesty everyone thinks I am. Sure, I reveal a lot about my struggles. But I hold back a lot, too. Some of that is for the best. We all need to keep some things to ourselves, don’t we?

But this week, in a moment where I was feeling stupid about the things I forgot to do in my hurry to catch a plane, I lied to my wife and everyone on Facebook who was following the thread.

I found a Valentine’s Day card from her in my suitcase when I got to San Francisco. Then I remembered that I left her card at home, unsigned. I meant to do it right before I left, but forgot. She would have understood.

I lied about it, anyway. I told her I forgot to take it out of my laptop bag.

Why did I do that? I guess it was one of the stupid things you do in a moment of guilt. She found the card in a drawer while I was away. Naturally, she wasn’t happy about it.

Who could blame her?

I’ve always had a hang-up about Valentine’s Day, and I always seem to find a way to screw it up when I should be doing what everyone else does: Using the holiday to remind those around you that you love them. Especially the spouse and the kids. When I hurt my wife, I lose the ability to function.

If you look at the posts I wrote while I was in San Francisco, you can see this stuff slowly eating away at my soul.

Why am I telly you this? Marital disagreements are a private thing, after all.

I’m doing it because I didn’t just lie to Erin. I lied to everyone who was following that Facebook post.

I’ve realized something else recently: I’ve gotten a little too full of myself. I’ve had success in my professional life, and with it I’ve gotten praise. That praise has been addictive, so I push myself harder. In this case, I did more travel than I was mentally or physically prepared for. The result was my coming home violently ill. Thursday and Friday, I couldn’t move from the couch or the bed. Those who know me will tell you it takes a lot to render me motionless like that.

I was definitely down with sickness. But maybe some of it was me feeling heart sick about not living up to who I should be.

My life has gotten very busy. I’m involved with things at church and in the security community. I have a busy family life.

My skills at going through all that and prioritizing need work.

Family comes first, of course. 

I also realize that I can’t just drop out of sight and stop doing what I do here.

I need to find the balance.

I also have to remember how small I am in the grand scheme of the universe.

I don’t have all the answers right now.

But I know I have to find them.

Meanwhile, to those I’ve lied to or been pompous and cranky to this past week, I’m very sorry.


10 thoughts on “A Look In The Mirror

  1. Pingback: Why I Skipped #ShmooCon This Year | THE OCD DIARIES

  2. Pingback: How To Talk To A Liar Who’s Been Caught | THE OCD DIARIES

  3. Pingback: The Killer — And Opportunity — In Every Marriage « THE OCD DIARIES

  4. Pingback: Back Where I Belong « THE OCD DIARIES

  5. Pingback: Let He Who Is Without Sin Stone Charlie Sheen « THE OCD DIARIES

  6. Pingback: Get the Funk Out « THE OCD DIARIES

  7. Pingback: Face the Music « THE OCD DIARIES

  8. Pingback: Better « THE OCD DIARIES

  9. Hi Bill,
    You are right: A lie is never a good thing. I think that holding back a little, is ok.

    I ALWAY (now just generally) pick a fight with Vinny when I’ve been traveling alot…Now he’s just says: “Oh, that right, you’re leaving Tuesday” and INGORES me!

    I try to push him away, and he just won’t let me. That does not make MY behavior right, and I work on that all the time.

    Keep working!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s