Written around 9 p.m. Friday…
One of my OCD ticks is a constant need for mental inventory. I’ll think back through the entire day recounting everything I’ve done. I’ll repeat the process about six times.
I’ll review what I’ve eaten, how many articles or blog posts I’ve written, how many cups of coffee I’ve had, which house-hold chores I got done, etc. It’s a painful process that makes my head ache and leaves me exhausted. This is the thinking disease where the brain spins over the same song, the laser sticking in a scratch on the CD along the way.
I bring it up because I’ve noticed something lately: The tick is a lot less pronounced than it used to be.
I still review things over and over again, but there seems to be less pain attached. It’s a colder, more sober inventory.
The result of medication? Probably a little. Change of diet? I’m not sure. It’s been more than two years since I stopped binging and quit flour and sugar. It’s probably not that.
More confidence in myself? That may have a lot to do with it. I used to have no confidence in myself, and I think I endlessly reviewed things because of my insecurities.
Now I have plenty of confidence — maybe even too much.
All I know is that I’m sitting here in my living room, ready to pass out.
Not from a day spent worrying or a night spent rewinding. Not from an afternoon of binging and an evening of lying about it.
It’s just the kind of tired that comes from living a full day.
It’s strange. But good.