My Current State of Mind

Written around 9 p.m. Friday…

One of my OCD ticks is a constant need for mental inventory. I’ll think back through the entire day recounting everything I’ve done. I’ll repeat the process about six times.

Mood music:

I’ll review what I’ve eaten, how many articles or blog posts I’ve written, how many cups of coffee I’ve had, which house-hold chores I got done, etc. It’s a painful process that makes my head ache and leaves me exhausted. This is the thinking disease where the brain spins over the same song, the laser sticking in a scratch on the CD along the way.

That’s essentially what OCD is — worry out of control. It’s what makes me check my laptop bag three times before leaving the office or check the front door three times to make sure it’s locked.

I bring it up because I’ve noticed something lately: The tick is a lot less pronounced than it used to be.

I still review things over and over again, but there seems to be less pain attached. It’s a colder, more sober inventory.

The result of medication? Probably a little. Change of diet? I’m not sure. It’s been more than two years since I stopped binging and quit flour and sugar. It’s probably not that.

More confidence in myself? That may have a lot to do with it. I used to have no confidence in myself, and I think I endlessly reviewed things because of my insecurities.

Now I have plenty of confidence — maybe even too much.

Who knows?

All I know is that I’m sitting here in my living room, ready to pass out.

Not from a day spent worrying or a night spent rewinding. Not from an afternoon of binging and an evening of lying about it.

It’s just the kind of tired that comes from living a full day.

It’s strange.  But good.

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One thought on “My Current State of Mind

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