Something interesting happened yesterday. The OCD was running hot all afternoon and kicking my ass. Then, when I wasn’t expecting it, it gave me a second wind that worked out for everyone.
I was running around trying to get things done before going to a National Information Security Group (NAISG) meeting and the kids were in their usual state of after-school chaos. Duncan was sitting over his homework, not really getting anything done, and he kept messing up the table cloth.
That table cloth, wrinkled and out of place, drove me absolutely insane.
In a classic moment of OCD run ragged, I repeatedly walked up to the table and fixed the cloth. Duncan would immediately get it rumpled up again (not on purpose — the thing just doesn’t fit the shape of the table and is easily knocked out of place) and I just kept coming back and trying to fix it.
I was fully aware that I was having an OCD episode, which is progress in itself, because once upon a time, an OCD attack would overtake me without my knowing what hit me. Erin came into the kitchen and, before she could point out what I was doing, I looked up and acknowledged that the table cloth was freaking me out.
Then Duncan finally got his homework done and the tablecloth was back in place.
As I wallowed in the tired moment, the phone rang. It was my sister-in-law. She needed a babysitter in a pinch. She was upset about it, too. Grandma was already coming to watch the boys, and I told her to bring the niece over.
When something like this happens, my first instinct is to make things as easy as possible on the babysitter. So the OCD kicked in again and before I knew it, I was getting everyone’s dinner on the table and shifting around the bedtime routine to make Grandma’s life easier.
By the time everyone got here, the food was on the table and I was ready to head to my NAISG meeting.
I’m glad I could do that.
It just goes to show what a two-faced bitch OCD is.
Most of the time she makes life unmanageable and fuels my self-destructive behavior.
Then she turns around and gives me the extra push I need to move forward. When she does that, it’s like I have super powers.
And that is my curse. I have to keep the OCD at bay because it would destroy me if left to run hot around the clock. I went through all kinds of hell to bring it under control.
But every once in awhile, I’m glad I have it, because it can come in handy.
I don’t want it most of the time.
But sometimes, I’m afraid of what life would be like without it.