Where My Head Is At Today

The author turns a corner after a messy couple of weeks.

Mood music for this post: “Can’t Get It Out of My Head” by Velvet Revolver:

As the reader knows, I’ve had a choppy couple weeks. Money troubles. Back troubles. Multiple mood swings. Depression. The addiction demon calling to me. But I’m turning the corner. I knew I would.

I’ve done what I had to do to set things right. I tightened up my food plan considerably. I swallowed my pride and did what I had to do on the financial front. I’ve kept the urge to binge and break my sobriety and abstinence at bay.

The lesson I have to learn every few months is that there is no such thing as “happily ever after” once you clean up from addiction and find the proper treatment for mental illness. You ALWAYS have to manage it. And there are always downward shifts.

Actually, a correction: There is “Happily Ever After.” It’s just not the sugary pile of shit the folks at Disney would have us believe.

To me, happiness is to have constant challenges, whether it’s with the addiction and mental illness or the career stuff. To not be bored is to be happy. All in all, I couldn’t be happier with the direction my life is taking.

I love that I’ve been able to do a ton of writing and reporting at work despite the back pain, which once upon a time would have left me completely useless.

I love that I’ve gotten in so much family time in recent days.

The word “love” doesn’t fit into the financial situation, except that I am happy I can deal with that without the panic I used to experience with money. And that was when the cash flow was thicker.

I love that I even when my head isn’t perfectly clear, I can still enjoy precious moments like Monday night, when I babysat my niece and let her boss me around. That little 2-year-old is a boss for sure. And she never stops talking. She’s a Corthell girl, for sure.

So it’s Friday morning and I’m drinking coffee and listening to Velvet Revolver. The kids are fighting over computer games, so I’ve cranked up the music to drown them out.

I’m taking the family budget-bill-paying chore from Erin today (we trade off every three months, though she’s been handling it much longer than three months for this latest stretch).

I got some writing and reporting in the works for the day job. And I’m looking forward to all of it.

I’m sure there will be some more mood swings along the way. I’m sure my demon will call to me.

But I can deal with those fuckers and still be happy, because my perception of happiness is more in sync with reality.

Seize the day.


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