The author on showing up for life — especially when you don’t feel like it.
Mood music for this post: “Die, Die My Darling” by The Misfits:
Some days the OCD runs so hot and the addictive impulses are so strong that I just want to go sit in the corner, drink my coffee and smoke a long, fat cigar and tell the world to go screw. This is one of those days.
I’m not special. We all have these days. And even in my current mood, I know I live an incredibly blessed life. I also admit that when I hear other people vent dramatic prose about how sucky their lives are, I just want to tell them what they can do with their drama.
Hypocritical? Absolutely. But then obsessive-compulsive people are almost always hypocritical when it comes to complaining — and being selfish.
Which brings me to the point of this post:
When I experience the kind of mood swing I’m in the middle of right now, I’ve learned to work my tools of recovery. Sometimes I don’t want to and I curse the day I discovered them. But when I put them to use, things always get better. Always.
When I’m at that point where the tools make things better, the best way to describe it is that I get out of my own way and show up for life.
So which tools am I going to lean on today? The same ones I pretty much rely on every day:
–My sponsorship. I’m going to be there today for the two OA members I’m sponsoring, no matter how pissed I get if one of them calls me too much. My sponsors have always put up with the grief I give them, so I’m going to keep doing my best at this form of service. After all, as Red Green would say, we’re all in this together.
—My writing. I’m already working this tool by banging out this blog post. Once I push the publish button, I’ll feel a lot better for having vented some of my negative brain smoke.
And then there are my own tools, which aren’t exactly part of the official program. But they work for me.
—Metal. I’m listening to a strange mixture of metallic-punk attitude this morning, including The Misfits, Dead Kennedys and Guns N Roses.
—Sarcasm. I’m not going to be sarcastic myself, this morning. But I have plenty of sarcastic people in my life, and today I’m going to enjoy the hell out of anything that comes from their voice boxes.
By using these tools, I’ll be able to show up for a couple things I don’t want to do but have to: Borrowing money to right the family finances (or start to) and attend a wake.
No cowering in the corner for me. Though a cigar is not out of the question.