The author turns to his musical hero for some easy-to-remember descriptions of depression and addictive behavior.
Mood music for this post: “Pray for me” by Sixx A.M.:
Many times by now, I’ve mentioned that one of my inspirations for this blog is Nikki Sixx, bassist and lyricist for Motley Crue. That’s because he gave the world a naked view of his madness at the hands of addiction in his book, “The Heroin Diaries.”
I’m itching to share the first couple pages of the book, where he presents his definitions of depression and addictive behavior. In turn, I’ll offer my own version.
Note: Since Sixx’s addictions were different from mine, I’m going to add in some of my own terms to fit the binge eating.
In we go:
Sixx: When you can give up something anytime, as long as it’s next Tuesday.
Me: When you devour $35 worth of drive-thru junk between the office and the house, walk through the door feeling complete exhaustion, shame and self-loathing, and promise God you’ll never do it again. Then you do it all over again the next day, starting with the drive into work, even though you know it’ll kill you someday.
Sixx: A habit that helps you to see the iguanas in your eyeballs.
Me: Not exactly about downing a bottle of alcohol each day. More about REALLY, REALLY needing a couple (or a few) glasses of wine at the end of the day so I DON’T turn to the food.
Sixx: Peruvian Marching Powder–a stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Me: I never did coke, but mixing the food with alcohol had the same effect.
Sixx: When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can’t seem to stop.
Me: What he said, with the added symptom where you lock yourself away and sleep for days, verbally assassinate anyone in your path and binge eat until fatty sweat oozes from your pores.
Sixx: A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Me: Food had the same effect on me, specifically massive quantities of items with flour and sugar in them. Mix together a large enough dose of flour and sugar and the impact is the same as any drug you use to escape.
Sixx: When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don’t care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Me: When the flour and sugar mix with a dose of OCD hyperactivity, leaving you with the feeling that you or someone close to you will die at any moment, be it from an accident or affliction. Then trying to mask those emotions by losing yourself in work, which you don’t do very well because you’re just too fucked up.
I’ll end by telling you a major truth I’ve only recently come to realize:
Without the above in my life, I’m a better husband and dad, which is more important to me than anything else. I’m also much more creative, which turns work from a stress into a joy.
I’ll tell you something else: The day I slip and fall back into my chief addiction is the day all those things fall apart.
Just thinking about what I could lose after gaining so much is enough to keep me from doing that.