A Good Friday reflection from someone who has sinned with the baddest of ’em.
Mood music for this post: “Good Friday,” by The Black Crowes:
Funny that I picked that song as this entry’s soundtrack. The lyrics actually cut against the grain of what Good Friday is all about. It’s about a broken relationship where forgiveness is not on the agenda.
Truth is, I’m so flawed that I would be screwed without the suffering He went through. I’m grateful for it more than ever, but I also know I’m not done screwing up.
So I carry around guilt, because I feel like I keep slapping Him in the face despite all the agony He went through.
There’s the addictive behavior. True, I put down the most self-destructive addictions. But I still approach other things with the zeal of an addict. Coffee. Technology. Cigars.
There’s still the trouble with honesty. I’m more open to my wife and family than I’ve ever been, but I know there are days when I lie to myself. It’s not a malicious act. It’s just an act of weakness. I don’t even realize I’m doing it when I’m doing it.
There’s still the ego. A lot of OCD types have big egos. Achieving big things is one of the ways we try to fill in that hole that’s always dogging us. In my profession, getting access to the major power players of information security is a rush. I feel like I am somebody as a result. When I don’t make it to a big security conference, the wheels in my head start spinning. I start to worry that by not being there, I become irrelevant. Yeah, I gotta work on that.
The trouble with forgiving others. There’s a family member — I won’t name them — I’m not talking to right now. Ours is a relationship with a long history of dysfunction and abuse. Let me be clear: The fault is on both sides. There’s a lot in this relationship I could have done better at. Whatever the case may be, right now our relationship is on ice because we simply can’t see eye to eye. In my mind I forgave this person a long time ago. But I sometimes feel like I’m not doing the full job of forgiveness unless I fully repair the relationship. I’ve been told by more than one priest that it’s not so simple. For now, it is what it is, but I have to keep working at my own issues here. I bring it up every time I go to Confession.
I could go on, but you get the picture.
I’m not special here. We all continuously screw up. I’m just one of the few who will talk about it.
And so I’m grateful today, because there’s a lot of light in my life right now. And there’s nothing like the observance of Good Friday to remind me that no matter how much I get it wrong, I’m never beyond hope.
We often look at bad turns our lives take and complain that we don’t deserve it.
But a lot of us also have a lot of good around us that we don’t deserve, either.
But I’ll take it. And I’ll keep trying to earn it.