Personally, I like what I’m hearing.

You’ve likely heard “Tattoo” by now. In case you haven’t, here it is:

A lot of people don’t like it, but I’m a lot more into it after hearing David Lee Roth break down the lyrics:

Here’s another new song in its entirety called “Blood and Fire” –

Here’s a preview of “Stay Frosty,” which sounds like a sequel to “Ice Cream Man” from the first album:

Next is “She’s the Woman,” from a live performance Van Halen did in NYC recently. This song has been around since the beginning but was never properly recorded until now. This live performance gives me an appreciation for Wolfgang Van Halen’s bass playing:

This one is the heaviest sounding to me, a song called “Chinatown” –

The deluxe edition of the new album will include a DVD with this acoustic performance of “You Really Got Me” –

Will this album put some extra sunshine in my brain and help me stay afloat until the longer days arrive? I think so!

Mood music:

I’ve told some people I sacrificed it so I could spend the travel money on a trip to L.A. to work on a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’ve told others I skipped it so I can go to Black Hat and Defcon in Vegas this summer. Both are true. But there’s also a realization that I can’t be on the road as much as I’ve been in the past because in doing so I miss things at home.

Ever since I shook myself free of the fear and anxiety that came with my earlier form of OCD, I’ve had a craving for these journeys, perhaps for the simple reason that I can go through an airport and onto a plane without feeling like nails are being hammered into my intestines.

I think there’s also a high I get from going to a security show and kicking ass with my writing (I wrote eight posts in my security blog at this latest conference). Writing conference stories used to leave me harried. No more.

But that liberation has come at a cost. Specifically, since the OCD still runs hot from time to time, I have a problem with balancing my professional cravings with life at home.

I started to figure it out at the RSA conference in San Francisco last year.

Something went very wrong on that trip. Professionally everything was fine. But below the surface a personal crisis was brewing. If you look at my OCD Diary posts from that week, you could see me coming unhinged. I wrote about discomfort I felt as everyone told me what an honest guy I am because I’m not always so honest. In fact, that week a lie was eating away at my conscience.

I came home to a wife who was understandably angry with me. I was also sick as a dog, burning with fever. We worked through it, but it woke me up to the fact that I can’t do it all, 24 hours a day like I sometimes want to.

I needed to find the middle speed, which is hard as hell when you have an obsessive-compulsive mind and an addiction or four to keep in check.

I re-realized that I had to be truer to my top priorities: God, my wife and children. I can’t stop doing all the things I do. My life has evolved this way because, I think, I’m meant to give a part of myself to helping others. At the very least, it’s payment for the second chance God gave me.

But, to use corporate business-speak, I need to do it smarter, and be willing to drop it altogether for family. That’s one of the truly sick things about OCD: You know who and what you should be paying attention to, but the mental pull still drags you to less-important things that seem awfully important at the time.

That’s my blessing and my curse.

This time, ShmooCon coincided with Duncan’s first confession, a very important event in the life of a young Christian. There was no way I would miss that. Not even for ShmooCon. Being Sean and Duncan’s dad and Erin’s husband comes first.

I’m also fighting a nasty cold, so I’m better off here instead of contaminating everyone in D.C.

Some choices are brutal, especially when you are the type of person that wants it all.

But this time, I feel none of the discomfort I felt last year when I skipped another conference over this. I made the right choice, and I’m grateful for that.

I’ll return to ShmooCon next year.

Mood music:

Here’s the news from Blabbermouth, a heavy metal news site:

Reale died yesterday (Wednesday, January 25) in a San Antonio hospital due to complications of Crohn’s disease — an ailment he had battled for most of his life. He was 56 years old.

Reale had reportedly been in a coma for the past two weeks after suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage on January 11.

Mark is survived by his father, Anthony Reale, and was preceded in death by his mother, Frances Reale.

Mark spent most of his life working and performing while enduring almost constant pain and the side effects of treatment for Crohn’s disease. He was in Texas bravely attempting to practice for the shows, but was felled by a severe onset of Crohn’s symptoms, leaving him in the Intensive Care Unit at an undisclosed facility. Mark was struggling with these symptoms throughout the production of RIOT‘s new album, “Immortal Soul”, and guitarist Mike Flyntz recorded a major portion of the guitars on the LP with Mark‘s creative direction while Reale was unable to perform. 

For those wondering if I’m freaked out because the disease I’ve had for most of my life killed someone, the answer is no. I’ve always known this is a potentially fatal disease. But deaths are pretty rare. Deaths from asthma are rare, too, but asthma complications killed my brother all the same.

The truth is, you never know when you’re time is up. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about my own mortality but not anymore. The more time you spend doing that, the more life you waste.

I’d rather go out knowing I did my absolute best as a dad, husband and writer than sitting back at age 95 wondering what the hell happened to my life.

Mood music:

Here’s a snippet from the article by Satoshi Kanazawa:

Drinking alcohol is evolutionarily novel, so the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent people drink more alcohol than less intelligent people.

Human consumption of alcohol, however, was unintentional, accidental, and haphazard until about 10,000 years ago.  The intentional fermentation of fruits and grain to yield ethanol arose only recently in human history.  The production of beer, which relies on a large amount of grain, and that of wine, which similarly requires a large amount of grapes, could not have taken place before the advent of agriculture around 8,000 BC and the consequent agricultural surplus.  Archeological evidence dates the production of beer and wine to Mesopotamia at about 6,000 BC.  The origin of distilled spirits is far more recent, and is traced to Middle East or China at about 700 AD.  The word alcohol – al kohl – is Arabic in origin, like many other words that begin with “al,” like algebra, algorithm, alchemy, and Al Gore.

Indicators of alcohol consumption in the Add Health data include the frequency of binge drinking (drinking five or more units of alcohol in one sitting) and the frequency of getting drunk.  That such behavior is detrimental to health and has few, if any, positive consequences, is irrelevant for the Hypothesis.  It does not predict that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in healthy and beneficial behavior.  Instead, it predicts that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in evolutionarily novel behavior.  Since the consumption of modern alcoholic beverages – including binge drinking and getting drunk – is evolutionarily novel, the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in it, and the empirical data from the UK and the US confirm it.

His hypothesis pisses me off because there are days when I hate being sober. I’d give anything for a few drops of wine, for that mellow feeling I get after a couple glasses.

It’s also been drilled into my head that addiction isn’t about being smart or stupid. The perfect description comes from this “West Wing” episode where Leo, the chief of staff, tries to explain what alcohol does to him:

As Leo says, his brain works differently. It has nothing to do with being smart or stupid.

Nevertheless, there are days where my addictions make me feel supremely stupid. It has certainly compelled me to do stupid things in the past.

To be fair, the article doesn’t really say that only smart people drink a lot. Reading it just pisses me off because I can’t drink anymore.

I can’t eat flour or sugar anymore. Lots of smart people love those two ingredients.

I can’t smoke anymore. Lots of smart people smoke.

I won’t lie: I used to think I looked very smart and sophisticated with a cigar hanging from my lips.

Some would call that stupid. Whatever.

The bottom line is that I can’t drink or do the other things anymore. It’s not because I lack intelligence. It’s because that intelligence is powerless against the mental impulse that screams out for a good feeling; for a break.

Mine is a particularly strange tale of addiction. My biggest problem was compulsive binge eating. My drinking accelerated after I put the flour and sugar down because I needed a crutch. Then I realized I needed the wine a little too much, so I put that down and started on the cigars for a crutch.

Now I don’t smoke anymore, and there are days where I struggle to find a good release. Yoga doesn’t do it for me. As Erin points out, yoga could do it for me, but I’m prejudiced against it. Fair enough.

Moderation doesn’t exist in my world. It’s all or nothing.

That doesn’t make me dumb. But it might mean I’m a victim of dumb luck.

Mood music:

We smash into it a few too many times and go through the rest of the day dazed and confused. It’s a natural reaction to life’s more stressful and traumatic moments.

If a loved one is sick or dead, or you get into a huge fight with your spouse, or you just discover you’ve been robbed, the feeling hits you.

But what do you do when that feeling clings to you every day like a wet, filthy rag?

I’ve been there many times. It used to cripple me every day. It’s no longer a daily thing, but it still gets me on occasion.

Monday was one of those days; let’s just say it was driven by guilt.

But here’s the difference between now and the old days:

It didn’t incapacitate me and leave me lying half dead on the couch like it used to. I didn’t check out of the hotel of reality. I may have wanted to, but I didn’t.

I felt every bad feeling and it did stick in my brain all day like a splinter. But somehow, I was able to make it through the day. I got my work done, I got chores done and I was even able to focus on the not-always-easy task of helping Duncan do his homework.

I can point to a lot of things that make the difference today:

–Medication to control my OCD, ADD and the depression that comes with it;

–Regular visits to the therapist to get things off my chest; and

–An eating program devoid of flour and sugar. When I’m not sinking under the weight of a food binge, my thinking is clearer.

I don’t think it’s possible to avoid the fog altogether. Life is too unpredictable and dramatic for that. Sometimes the stresses get the better of you and you lose sight of everything around you. It’s a very shitty place to be.

But there is a positive in this: If you never felt the fog, it would mean you didn’t care about anything or anyone.

You would see clearly and keep walking, but the destination would always be some selfish pursuit.

Some of this may sound a bit hyperbolic. I use some fancy language along the way to explain it.

But that’s how my brain rolls this morning.

Mood music:

Whenever someone honors me, I like to pay it forward, so let’s play along.

Rules of the Versatile Blogger award…

RULE #1: List 7 Random Facts About Yourself:

1. I recently learned that there’s more caffeine in lighter coffee roasts than the darker stuff I prefer. To get both the strong kick and taste, I now brew a mix of light and dark. That’s what I call balance.

2. I’m probably the only person on Earth who likes the new Van Halen song. That either means I’m cooler than everyone else or my musical tastes have deteriorated.

3. I recently learned that I have ADD as well as OCD. That explains why I’m having so much trouble writing this post.

4. I always work with my feet up on the desk. It makes me look lazy, but it’s really to keep from fidgeting.

5. I’ve only recently gotten over the fact that I had to quit smoking. I quit in August.

6. As annoying as it can be sometimes, I enjoy difficult, dramatic people. Difficult+dramatic=more interesting.

7. My passion for history has taken a darker turn of late. I usually like to visit monuments to the giants in D.C. Lately, however, I favor places where horrendous crimes have happened. I think it’s a subconscious effort to take the sting out of things that used to scare me.

RULE #2: Nominate 15 Other Blogs.

1. http://thewritingresource.net/ This is the blog of my awesome wife Erin. It’s a must-read for anyone who is serious about learning to write well. The blog is chock full of language resources and grammar tips. By the way, Erin edits much of what appears in my blog.

2. http://crudmykidssay.wordpress.com/ Linda has a brilliant wit that bobbles freely between sunny and dark. I love this blog ’cause I know and love her kids, and she really captures their personalities in the writing.

3. http://notnowhoneymommyhastoblog.com/  A new one by another mom with a razor-sharp wit and the talent to capture it in a blog. The pictures of her dog’s hapless expression while wearing a variety of undignified costumes is reason alone to follow her.

4. http://caffeineandcookies.com/ My old Rockit Records colleague Christian Campagnia has traveled cross country at least five times in the last year (OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but only slight) and I love the somewhat warped picture he presents of the people he meets. His honesty about himself is also refreshing.

5.  http://www.ridiculouslife.net/crazy-in-a-crazy-world.html  is from Dr. Annabelle Rc, author of “A Life Lived Ridiculously” – the companion blog being “Crazy In A Crazy World.”

6. http://ocdbloggergirl.wordpress.com/ is written by Lisa Burleson. Like me, she writes in an attempt to sort out the daily challenges of life with OCD. Her observations are raw and unflinching, and reading about her challenges makes you realize how so alike we all are. When you realize you’re not alone, life’s big challenges become less insurmountable.

7. http://emergentchaos.com/  is a group blog on security, privacy, liberty, and economics. It’s written by Adam Shostack, Chris Walsh, Arthur and Mordaxus.

8. http://howtoraiseadysfunctionalfamilyin10days.wordpress.com/ is written by my old friend Nancy Casey. She takes the everyday, often serious challenges of family life and puts a humorous spin on it. I introduced her to her husband Chris, so her family challenges are sort of my fault. But they have great kids, so it’s a fault I’m happy to have.

9. http://pennywrites.wordpress.com/ You will never know what courage is until you read about Penny Richards’ journey through hell. She has fought breast cancer and is sharing her journey to deal with the death of her only child. I suspect her daughter is looking down from Heaven at her mom and feeling very proud.

10. http://reassembler.wordpress.com/ This is from my boss, Derek Slater. He writes about food, chess and, of course, a little security. Our big boss John Gallant captures the essence of this blog perfectly when he says of Derek, “You have departed from reality.”

11. http://blog.uncommonsensesecurity.com/ Another security blog, written by my old friend Jack Daniel. Jack has a special gift for articulating the more ridiculous side of our industry.

12. http://thesweetestreasons.typepad.com/the_sweetest_reasons/ I used to work with Olivia Gatti, a gifted photographer who captures the raw beauty of family life each day. I’ve never met her husband and daughters, but in reading this blog I feel like I know them very well.

13. http://run-dmz.blogspot.com/ Few people can write like by former boss, Anne Saita. There’s a lot about running in this one, but it’s about so much more than that.

14. http://www.savagechickens.com/2009/12/hey-beautiful.html This is a showcase for Doug Savage’s “Savage Chickens” cartoons. He’s warped, and I mean that as a compliment.

15. http://idiosyncratic-routine.com/ is written by Amber Baldet, a capital markets and investment banking technology consultant, science lover,
artist, gamer and digital rights and privacy advocate. All of these subjects shine through in her blog. That’s some serious diversity.

Mood music:

A few months ago I told you about my friend and former co-worker Steve Repsys and how, as two undiagnosed OCD sufferers, our working relationship was often the stuff of comedy. What follows is Steve in his own words, explaining how helpful it can be to open up about the disorder and “give in to the dark side.”

***

“You don’t know the power of the dark side.” Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker

For those of us suffering from OCD, this mental condition is our “dark side.” Often times we ignore or minimize this “dark side” because we are so embarrassed by it. When I don’t acknowledge this part of me, I find myself running into problems, like Luke Skywalker in the cantina. But when you “embrace the dark side,” there is a subtle but noticeable change.

I learned this the other day when I shared with my co-worker Kate that I suffer from OCD. Kate is one of the nicest people I work with and is extremely approachable. Somehow in one of our recent conversations, I felt confident enough in our friendship to divulge this “bombshell.”

When I described what I’ve experienced over the last few months – anger, frustration and humiliation –  that large part of me that I’ve often kept hidden from others grew a bit smaller. I was surprised how easy it was for me to talk about it. I was like C-3PO – you couldn’t get me to stop talking about it.

Conversing with Kate, she was attentive and asked questions so she could better comprehend what it is like to live with OCD.

It amazed me – like when Luke found out that Han wasn’t in it for the money – that she was so touched and flattered that I shared this important piece of personal information with her.

I don’t have to worry about her thinking of me any different. Instead, I gained her admiration because I had the courage to admit there is this “demon” inside of me that I can control.

Now I can add a new weapon – talking about it openly and freely to people I trust – to my arsenal of weapons to keep my OCD at bay (not Docking Bay 93).

As Ben told Luke when introducing him to the force, “You’ve taken your first step into a larger world.”

Mood music:

I think I’m starting to feel it, though it’s hard to know for sure this soon. The nurse told me it could take several weeks before I’d feel the full effect, since Wellbutrin slowly accumulates. I have noticed a few things, though:

–I’m a little more focused than I’ve been in several weeks.

–I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog as much as I had been.

–I haven’t been feeling down like I was a week ago.

Whether it’s the Wellbutrin kicking in or not, I’m just glad to be feeling better.

Note: Four hours after writing the part you just read, I came down with vicious mood swings. As I write this, my skin doesn’t fit right, I’m itchy all over (yes, I showered today) and I’m agitated as hell. The good news is that I have gone through the same exact thing whenever my Prozac dose has been adjusted. It lasts a few hours, and then everything evens out. It’s usually the point I reach when the medication is about to kick in.

For those wondering what this experiment is all about, let’s review:

I started taking Wellbutrin because it’s supposed to shore up depleted brain chemistry that the Prozac isn’t designed to fix.

The Prozac increases the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps transmit messages from one nerve cell to another. In other words, it keeps traffic in the brain moving normally.

It has served me well, but this winter the blue moods have been tougher to shake. Enter the Wellbutrin, a drug used to treat major depression and seasonal affective disorder. It’s also used to help people quit smoking because it squashes cravings.

While the Prozac raises Serotonin levels, Wellbutrin shores up another neurotransmitter called Dopamine.

If this all sounds confusing, think of the brain as a car engine. To run properly, the engine needs the right amount of fluids, including brake fluid, transmission fluid and oil. Run low on any one of these and you got problems.

It’s amusing for me considering my efforts to kick some addictions in recent years. Despite my sobriety and abstinence, here I am, finding that there’s better living through chemistry after all.

Cheers.