If you do these things, you might have a binge eating problem.
6 a.m.: Wake up, pour coffee. Resolve to live on nothing but coffee and cigarettes for the day.
8 a.m.: Fuck it. You’re hungry. Eat something healthy for breakfast. A bagel and cream cheese will do. Serving size, one 12-ounce container of cream cheese. Add swiss cheese.
8:15 a.m.: Smoke another cigarette and decide that’s all the food you’re going to eat for the day. Resolve to eat one giant breakfast and nothing else for the day for the next several days.
9 a.m.-10:15: As you work, start having a back-and-forth in your head as to whether you really should be having lunch.
10:45 a.m.: Walk to the vending machine for a healthy snack of animal crackers. Choose the Pop Tarts instead. Continue to ponder lunch.
11 a.m.: Take a break from work and drive around to clear your head. Resolve to have a smoke or two but no lunch.
11:02 a.m.: Proceed to the nearest fast-food drive-through or buffet place.
11:15-noonish: You chose the buffet place. Good. Stay there until you’ve had your fill. This will require going back for seconds, thirds and fourths.
Noonish-3ish: Resume working while pondering why you’re such a shameful idiot.
3ish: Get in the car. Plan to drive straight home.
3:05 p.m.: Stuff yourself with the $25 bag of McDonald’s you don’t quite remember buying a couple minutes ago.
3:30 p.m.: The three cheeseburgers, two large fries and two orders of chicken strips is consumed, and you’re sitting there wondering what you’re doing in the Dunk ‘N Donuts drive-through.
3:32 p.m.: Stare at the empty box of donuts and wonder what’s wrong with you.
3:35-4 p.m.: Keep your eyes on the road as you try to put the shame you’re feeling in the proper perspective.
4 p.m.: Get in the house and try to act like nothing’s wrong. When the kids ask you to play with them, explain that your back hurts and lie on the couch.
5:30 p.m.: Dinner time. Try as hard as you can to eat some of what’s on your plate, even though it looks healthy and your gut is throbbing from what you did earlier.
6:30 p.m.: Get the kids ready for bed.
7:30 p.m.: Fall asleep on the couch and forget the day you’ve just had.
Repeat process the next morning.
That’s how I used to do it, anyway.
Sometimes it would just last a day or two. Usually, it would be weeks and months. In 1997, I probably carried on like this for all but a few weeks of the year.